Elayne's Diary 36 (4/24/02)
A Lesson in Oathbreaking
Everything seems to happen at once. I knew things couldn't remain the same between Merlin and myself. I knew he was unhappy that I wanted to continue fighting for Random; that some small part of me was trying to resist his charms. Yet, I resisted anyway, because in my own convoluted way, it seemed like the logical course of action. I wanted it to last forever in that state of limbo where no one dies and everyone is still striving for his own wishes.
I suppose I'm naive, or I at least liked to pretend that I was. I guess that's what kept me from making a choice. On the one hand, there is my strange attraction to a man of phenomenal beauty and power, the greater chance of survival, and my best shot at the magic that I crave. On the other, there are two very important people, who I don't want to betray, and an oath that saved my life. In the end I couldn't make the choice on my own; I had to wait for Gabrielle to tell me it was okay. Some adult I am.
There's no turning back now. I've become the thing my mother taught me to loath: an oathbreaker. I remember when I used to know how the universe worked. I had the luxury to be aloof from the troubles of the world. Upon a pedestal, it is easy to judge those beneath you. It is easy to assume that the label oathbreaker is equivalent to evil. They were the worst sort: people who gave their oath and broke it as soon as it became an inconvenience. It is a broken trust, which cannot easily be repaired. Most oathbreakers would probably tell you that they have a good reason, or that the result is what is important. I, however, would probably decline to defend myself. An oath is an oath, and I broke my word.
One could argue that the oath was forced from my lips under duress. Fiona would have killed me even if Random hadn't for failing to swear to him. However, I remember the oath I gave: every bloody word of it. I swore to uphold the ideals of Amber and defend her. I swore it and I meant it. And now, I've broken my word to myself, chasing both survival and magic. I don't know that I can trust myself anymore.
This isn't a new thing though: I was an oathbreaker long before Random knew about it. I denied it for a long time, but it is true. I shall enter into no contract to the detriment of Amber. Again, I could argue that the contract I entered into with Merlin was not the detriment of Amber, only Random's version of it. But that would be utter crap. This entire war is to the detriment of Amber. Merlin said Benedict believes in family. Frankly, I don't see how fratricide will strengthen family bonds.
And then there's Caine. I find myself very curious what Merlin could have offered him than what was better than he already had. My best guess is that he couldn't hold his position without Helgram and Sawall; he had already won Jesby. Regardless of that, I don't know what to make of my benefactor. I have to thank him. At dinner, I will ask him if he can provide information to help me rid myself of my link to Lorne. Mind-raping a cousin is not my idea of fun, even if I could do it. Besides, I don't want to stand between Uncle B and what he wants; I understand I wouldn't be enough of an obstacle for it to matter. Even if he won't help, there should be plenty of time for experimenting.
Then, I'd like to hear from Benedict's own mouth why he wants Merlin on the Amber throne. I'd like to meet the man who believes that killing his brothers will cure the family of their cut-throat ways. I'd like to meet him, but I'm afraid to. He is the most respected and feared member of the family. If he can, nearly single-handedly take Amber, then there's probably no use in asking him to explain his logic.
I don't know if I'm pleased or not that Drusus got his father out. His escape is a detriment to Merlin. It also demonstrated to Drusus that I am a traitor to Amber. The latter, more than the former, makes me ashamed. My first real act as a traitor was to try to convince him to change sides. At least I managed to avoid the attempt to kidnap Darian's wife. I know it needed to be done, and that it was the best way not to get him killed, however, I didn't want to be the one to have to do it. Perhaps this merely proofed how wishy-washy I am. Gods, I'm disgusted with myself; I feel like I may have sold my soul to Bane. I guess we'll just have to wait to see how the story ends, and if I'll be tormented for it.
In the meantime, I'll have to start bothering Merlin to teach me. Perhaps dinner with Caine will help me learn more about Lorne and the story of my origin. Maybe Benedict can teach me what an Amber family could be like. And perhaps my sister can teach me to live with the choices I've made, for better or for worse.
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