Elayne's Diary 37 (5/1/02)
Making the Most of What You've Got
I can be really thick headed sometimes. It took me a while to realize, but Merlin did something I wasn't expecting... he acknowledged me as his mistress. I guess I just thought it would remain our dirty little secret forever. But now, I'm stuck with it, for good and bad. I suppose it was to his advantage to do so, since it pretty much meant that I would stay on Merlin's side.
Unfortunately, it makes his mother my enemy. There's a decent chance my purposes might cross with Nicola. As mothers go, Dara is better than some: at least she cares about her son. I guess my other option is to try to make myself useful. I'm not sure if an opportunity will present itself, but it is still something to look for.
I got to have dinner with Uncle Caine and his new wife, princess Marza. I was surprised to note the affection that they displayed for one another. On the other hand, she hadn't seemed any less comfortable when she accompanied Rhodri to the party. Dinner was pleasant, and she was quite the hostess. After dinner, Caine and I retired to speak privately.
Perhaps he thought I had something more sinister in mind at the beginning. I started by thanking him, and I meant every word. He not only saved my life, but also brought me to wonderful parents who desired a child. Then I proceeded to ask questions, with regard to my origin. The embryo, me, was taken from her when she was young. Some sort of affair, perhaps? Anyhow, Eric was my protector until he died.
Perhaps my chaos theory was correct. It is possible that Eric knew that a union between his son and a daughter of Fiona would land them on the throne of Chaos. Perhaps this was his plan for making peace with Chaos after the Patternfall war. However, he didn't know about Swavyl's heir, and his plan was cut short when he died. But if that was the case, why not give Caine the details? Perhaps it is less noble than that: not knowing about the Chaos plot, he was simply using me to embarrass Fiona. I suppose I could build all sorts of scenarios in my head, but it won't do me any good. Eric's not around to tell me what happened, and Fiona's not about to say what she knows. All speculation will give me is a headache.
Caine was also quite helpful in discussing the link with me. He's renewed my interested in trying to discover its secrets. He set up the link so that Lorne would have every reason to protect me. And so he did. The trouble was that trying to use it was like trying to pass your hand through solid rock. Lorne defied me at every turn. I spilled my heart to him, in an earnest attempt to bond with him. In the end, I think he realized that I didn't trust him. I believe that if you love or trust someone, it doesn't matter if the trust is returned. But under his gruff exterior Lorne seemed to have this, 'you first' attitude.
I guess I'm through playing his game. I'm going to show him that being tied to me is a hell a lot better than being tied to Brand. Granted, if Uncle Brand shows up, I'll probably hand him over at first threat, but I might as well be Lorne's first line of defense. Maybe I can even find a way to save him from Brand. Lorne would probably enjoy it if I destroyed his ability to link with a sorcerer so completely that Brand had no use for him. But for now, I'll just have to demonstrate to him that he's not my protector anymore.
But, onto more pleasant topics. Merlin took some time out of his busy schedule to see my sorcery and lend his expertise. He gave me a rather lengthy critique, and I absorbed his words like a sponge. We have a different way of going about sorcery, and he doesn't get the ecstasy from it that I do, but there is definitely a lot I can learn from him. Hopefully we'll get to have dinner with Mandor later, but for now, I've got Merlin's texts to keep me company.
These texts have a decidedly different flavor from the texts on Pattern that Fiona wrote. These texts were written by sorcerers from the courts. There were a large number of chapters about sorcery and the Logrus, which are of little use to me at present. I read them anyway, as my curiosity got the better of me. It makes sense that spells could be hung on the Pattern just as well as on the Logrus. Perhaps the Pattern is not so well suited to it, but surely it must be possible. I could ask Merlin, but he doesn't seem to be so interested in the esoteric that he'd experiment with this when he already has a working system. Well, I'm no stranger to inventing new spells. Perhaps I'll show him when I'm done. Such a thing might be necessary to construct my bag of holding.
After plenty of study time, I accompanied Merlin to the 'social event of the eon,' whereby the second acknowledgement came. All of Chaos turned out for the funeral, and I stood with house Sawall. I even met Yartrude, who had married a lesser Sawall cousin.
Gabrielle missed the funeral and coronation. I thought for sure she'd make it, but with Sinclair's house AWAL something is definitely afoot. This reminds me that Sinclair's brother Luke was introduced as family in some way. I had assumed that he was one of Benedicts descendents that seem to be so common in Chaos, but the house's absence makes me think twice that this is the case. Perhaps he's another Amber cousin; they seem to be endemic around here.
There were quite a number of familiar faces at the funeral. Sayuri seemed to be having spells every few minutes. Jurt seemed frustrated even while trying to help her. The members of Sawall seemed to be ignoring it, and Jurt was attempting to cover it up. Tegan Jinori looked absolutely horrible. It's just as well I didn't get a chance to talk to her. You have to feel sorry for the girl; her heart is being thrown through the meat grinder for someone who doesn't show any interest in her. If her feelings for him weren't genuine, she wouldn't have been such a wreck in public. I saw Griffin, and he was looking decidedly healthier than the last time I saw him. Unfortunately, the appropriate time to see him would have been after the fealty swearing. It was almost a shame that Merlin and I had to head out before the fealty swearing. Almost.
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