Elayne's Diary 39 (5/15/02)
Separation Anxiety
I guess I'm experiencing separation Anxiety for the first time in my life. Even when I left home for the first time, I didn't feel this. I finally decided that I was ready to be rid of Lorne. However, that bond had been there all of my life. Now that it's gone, I feel empty, as if a part of myself was lost as well. I suppose it's only natural, but there's some part of me that feel's remorse. Mostly that's the part of me that needs an aspirin right now.
It hurt a lot. I think it wouldn't have been so bad if I were a shapeshifter. However, it needed to be done. I'm not going to sit around any longer waiting for Uncle Brand to decide that I'm in his way. I left Lorne with his ability to bond in tact. I'm not quite daring enough to break Brand's toy. I wonder if Merlin will approve or not. Well, I don't care if he disapproves; he can stare down Brand if he chooses. I haven't yet told Merlin; it didn't come up in any of our visits.
After the party, I waited for his call in his section of Sawall, where I've been staying for a few days. He obviously knew that I was preoccupied with something, and I wasn't volunteering the information. I needed to see what his reaction would be toward the idea that I wasn't happy. If he didn't care, or pushed me in anyway or tried to force himself on me, I would have decided that it was time to vacate. I could already guess that he wasn't the dark man from Sayuri's prophecy, but I had to know what he would do. I bided my time.
He treated me to a very fancy dinner. It was a seven-course meal from an expensive restaurant in what Merlin described was Spain on an 'alternate history of the place where I went to school.' The meal was wonderful. The company was even more comforting than the food. He was the perfect gentleman all evening. He didn't push; he did order for me, but I didn't mind. I was worried about the prophecy, but even worse seemed the prospect of Merlin's attitude toward me being one of ownership.
After dinner, we went to see a movie. He asked me my opinion on the movie. I think he wanted to see something involving romance, but I insisted on something with solid action. I was still trying to keep romance out of my head. I resisted the urge to tweak the movie plot, however.
As the evening went on, my fears diminished. At last, we retired to a bench to watch the stars. This was a change, most likely brought on my melancholy mood. That was always the point where we'd retire to make love. However, if that was his intention, he gave no sign of it. Instead, he stared up into the heavens. It was time to tell him.
I explained to him Sayuri's prophecy. I thought about hiding it from him, but after a few moments I thought that he should know. He only pressed me, but I think it was only because my safety was at stake. I told him of the dark man. Logic dictated that he was not that man; I knew, but it was good to hear him explain. I was a little startled when I fear I never knew I possessed was quelled: I feared that he might be insulted by my testing him.
We discussed the prophecy, but Merlin didn't have any ideas for me. I felt a great relief in just talking to him about it. Eventually, we did retire to a luxury suit and make love the entire night. He really gets my blood pumping. I'm surprised that I haven't tired of him after all of this time, but I'm even more amazed that he hasn't tired of me. I imagine it would have been relatively depressing for him to be around me the previous night when I was in that mood, but he stuck by me the whole time.
In the morning, I received a call from Gabrielle while Merlin was in the shower. She wanted to chat. Then, I received a call from Darian. I was quite surprised. He didn't look well, and he said he needed to speak to me. We arranged a time. I got in the shower with Merlin to say my goodbyes. Since I mentioned Gabrielle, he asked me to find out where Serefino went from her. I said I'd try.
So, I took that visit with Gabrielle in Grandmother's shadow. She wanted to see how I was and asked me to deliver a message to Nicola. I mentioned Darian, and that it might be better if she vacated for a bit. She complied, and I trumped Darian. A short while later, he arrived. It was fairly obvious that she had been there only moments before. I wanted to send the message that I was still working with her. Her cappuccino cup with fresh lipstick prints sat on the table, near the espresso machine that had recently been set up.
He was going to take the trip to see his daughter, and wanted someone available to pull him out if need be. I suggested Gabrielle would be a better choice, as Trump is more her expertise. I knew it would give Darian a chance to get over his anger if Gabrielle did him the favor. He accepted, and without any complaint at all. We waited and chatted while Darian went on his visit. When he returned, we all talked for a while about Darian's situation. Finally, he left, and Gabrielle and I parted ways with a hug.
I trumped Merlin, to give him his answers. I ended up explaining that Sinclair had had a run in with Gabrielle's brothers. That neatly explained why he wasn't with his house. I also mentioned the rumor that Zanoshia was physically inside the abyss. Then, he asked me to vacate Sawall. I told him I wasn't planning to go back. Casually, he replied, "You're smart. Your brains are one of the reasons why I love you." I couldn't help but miss a step.
That would do a lot to explain why he hasn't tired of me. I'm not quite sure what to think of it. I thought all along that this was mostly temporary. I had too, because of his future position, yet I can't quite see myself ending it. I knew all along that he'd have to marry Hero, and I am not going to stand between him and what he has to do.
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