Elayne's Diary 41 (5/29/02)
Anger and Betrayal
After Fiona decided to pull out, Merlin pulled me into the fray. I was really hoping she'd be killed in the fighting, but somehow deep down I knew that she'd survive. I really needed her to die; it's a matter of survival for me. I poured the anger I felt into the spells I used to aid our army and attack the enemy.
There are few things in this world that relieve stress so well as slinging spells at the enemy. This time, however, I looked on their faces. They were not orcs or skeletons: they were human beings. I wouldn't say they were innocent but they didn't deserve to be caught up in the struggles of succession. Somehow, it made me feel worse.
Suddenly, a look of rage cursed Merlin's beautiful face. Darian correctly guessed that Gabrielle was responsible. She was aiding the escape of the family she had grown up with - a family for which I felt little. I felt betrayed, because my sister had put that look on Merlin's beautiful face. I was enraged. How dare she do this to him?
So, I told Merlin that she was working with Dalt, because she loved his son. I told him that she had helped Hero escape Amber prior to their agreement. He said that Jasra was Sinclair's mother, as well as Luke's. He understood my implication that Serefino was with Dalt's camp as well. He said he'd have to let Caine know.
Horror flashed through my mind, replacing the anger that had been there. Bleys had asked that Caine not find out about Jasra - Merlin had just told me who she was - so perhaps he won't mention that bit. It's a small hope. Gabrielle had also asked that Caine not find out about Serefino. I've opened a dangerous portal, and it's one that I cannot close. Unicorn, what have I done?
Later in private, it suited my purposes to tell Merlin where Fiona would most likely be headed. I keep hoping that he'll have her killed, but I fear he doesn't have the power. Dear Unicorn, has she given her soul to the abyss as well? If so, then I'm really already doomed.
Here in the castle, I feel kind of dirty. I was always a goody-two-shoes, a believer in the rules. I had to be: it was my job. Now, Merlin's throne rests in a sea of the blood of men who didn't really deserve to die and on the chains of a woman who despises him. Random's daughter is the least happy person in the castle and all because of who her father was. I feel sorry for her having to marry Merlin, and perhaps more so for the other one having to marry Mandor.
So, that's my story. Random escaped, and Merlin's reign rests precariously. In a flash of hurt and anger, I betrayed my sister. How unwise that may have been I have yet to find out.
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