Gabrielle's Diary 30 (3/6/02)
Strengths and Weaknesses
Elayne is still extremely wary of me. I'm not certain why; my best guess is that she knows I'm unstable and is afraid that I might hurt her. But that doesn't feel quite right. She is scared, but she also seems to want to help, only she doesn't really know how. I wish I could tell her how; I wish I knew what I needed to heal. I wish I was certain that I could heal.
So all I can do is watch her as she seats herself as far away from me as the cell will allow, and leave her the space she seems to need. All I can do is talk to her about the external crisis, and hope that at some point we can address the crisis within our relationship.
Fear is a strange weapon with which to fight despair -- but it seems to be the best tool I have. I can't summon hope past the cold grey mist that envelops my heart -- I can't remember what to hope for. But I can still fear. I can't, it seems, take care of myself. I can't protect myself. I can't heal myself. All the strengths I though I possessed seem to be paltry things, which crumple when tested. But if I can't save myself, I can at least help those I love. If I can't...
But I can. I will. If I am so useless that I can't provide any assistance, then I might as well... But I can. I will. I will do whatever it takes, but I will somehow help Corwin get out of here, and somehow keep Darian and Elayne safe. I assured them that it was reasonably safe to try a group trump to Corwin -- I obviously didn't understand the risks as well as I had claimed. I've lost myself -- I can't bear to lose anyone else. I failed myself -- I cannot fail them. And it is this fear that drives me to act.
I can't do it all by myself, clearly -- but I don't need to. I can help them. I will help them, even if I only help them to help themselves. I shouldn't be taking the lead anymore, not with my current record. Honestly, I'm not capable of taking the lead now -- but Darian did excellently while we were in Corwin's mind. And his will not to stay here in this prison and rot is strong, strong enough to work with.
Darian seems to think he can escape his cell. With shapeshift, I think he can, since our captors don't realize that either of us has that capability. What he needs is something that will draw the attention of the guards, and that will keep Nicola and Phelan occupied until it is too late.
These are my tools: Darian's conviction, our knowledge of Merlin's plot, Merlin's underestimation of our capabilities, and Nicola's strange vulnerability about mothers and female solidarity. Perhaps I can add Merlin's attraction to Elayne to the mix; perhaps I can add some understanding of Rufus to the mix. And last, but not least, the attention to courtesy that Nicola and Phelan have displayed. These are my tools. These are my strengths.
But all my strengths have failed me so badly of late... A flicker of an idea comes to me. True, my strengths have not served me well of late; perhaps it is time to see what my weaknesses can do for me.
When I had communicated with Darian, I'd thought that we could make use of Elayne's request to meet our proposed bridegroom. A visit from Rufus might serve as a distraction. The attention of most of the guards ought to be on protecting the heir apparent -- and if some sort of a disruption broke out, that ought to pull even more of the guards as well as Nicola and Phelan to our sides.
I can't hurt Rufus; but in my vulnerability, perhaps I can make him hurt me. Not intentionally -- but he is a man of the family, utterly assured that any woman will find him attractive, and prone to a certain assertiveness in courtship. He was so sure he could 'handle' me; I don't know if I could deal with his handling right now even if I tried. Certainly if I sabotage my own protections, my own mental walls to keep memories from overwhelming me, I can almost guarantee a flashback if he touches me. And he wants to touch me.
And that would almost guarantee the sort of distraction Darian needs. It's not like I have much dignity left to protect in front of Nicola and Phelan anyway -- they both know of my shame. If being helpless before them once again is the price to get Darian and Corwin out, I will pay it. If undergoing all the pain and humiliation again within my mind is the price, I will pay it.
And I am my mother's daughter -- I have inherited some of her psychic strength. I'll do my damnedest to see if I can spread that price around. Maybe I can project strongly enough to trap other people in the flashback with me. It's cruel, I know -- but right now, I don't really care.
|