Gabrielle's Diary 31 (3/13/02)
Welcome to My Nightmare
In the end, I chose to give Elayne some warning about what I was planning with Rufus. Her fear and shock would add credibility to the claim that this had been an accident. And as Elayne and I would be Merlin's guests for a while longer, it was best for them not to realize that I'd set this up on purpose. Besides, in Corwin's head she had done her best to protect me in my vulnerable state -- the last thing I needed was her leaping forward to keep Rufus from touching me.
It was certain that we were being watched, so I had to use psychic contact. The problem is this: at core, I think in visual images, not in words. I was stressed and tired, so the contact had a strong visual component. I couldn't hide my self-image from Elayne. So when she accepted my contact, she saw me, in the torn white lace dress, bruised and battered. We stood in front of the great stone wall that I had built to lock my pain away, and with one of the crystal shards, I scraped away at the wall, weakening key supports.
She looked at me in the contact, horrified and repulsed. I warned her not to let the grey mists that were slowly seeping through the walls touch her as she wouldn't much enjoying seeing the world through them. I told her I had a plan, and that while it would frighten her even more, she should trust it. She looked uncertain about that. I did try to reassure her that it wasn't she who was hurting me,that I was just so raw that any contact at all was painful. I don't think she was much reassured.
Nicola was kind enough to offer all the the accessories necessary to achieve proper pomp and circumstance. Dresses, makeup, jewelry -- even a chaperone. But Rufus entered almost casually, and was uncharacteristically careful in word and deed. I don't know if Nicola warned him that I'd been injured, or if he was treading carefully so as not to insult Elayne. In order to get him to touch me, I had to ask him to propose. I wasn't lying when I said I was an old-fashioned girl, and if I ever do marry, I do truly want an old-fashioned proposal. Always mix as much truth in with a lie as you can; it makes things more believable.
But what I really wanted was for him to take my hand. And he did. And I was swept up in a flashback, and managed to catch him up in it as well.
This was hell for me as well as for him. A flashback is memory so overwhelming that it overwrites sensory input. I wasn't in a receiving room in Nicola's prison -- I was back in the gym in Prentice's prison, and all I knew were the scents and sights and sounds of his assault. And Rufus -- and a little later, apparently the chaperone as well -- felt them, too. Every emotion, every sensation -- they were me, and it wasn't a very fun mile to walk in my shoes.
I thought I'd recover more quickly than Rufus. After all, I'd made some steps toward recovery, and as a woman, I'd always been aware of the risk of sexual assault. Rufus -- well, let's just say Rufus wasn't at all prepared for that. Perhaps it will be a valuable learning experience to him. I can hope so.
My only regret is that I couldn't catch Merlin in the flashback. I'm told that he, as well as Phelan and Nicola, burst into the room. They pulled the other two away from skin contact, but it was too late -- they were well and truly trapped. But Merlin is much stronger psychically than I am, and he turned off my consciousness easily enough.
After I came to, Nicola and Elayne were talking. Despite the fact that I'd wrecked my voice, I played a hunch and for the first time in a while, succeeded. Nicola was indeed Dara's -- and even more, she was Merlin's full sister. In fact, it seems as though she was the one who tried to kill Dara at the ball. I'll have to find out how she did that -- it could be useful. Being set on fire ought to slow Mother down a bit. I rather hope it would.
I think I made some progress in building a bond with Nicola. We certainly have a great deal in common -- I like her a great deal, as well. I'd like to work with her.
Although no one will confirm it, it seems that Darian did manage to escape with Corwin. Lorne apparently showed up as well, as did Brand, although I can't get the story on that, either. Now the question is if Darian and Corwin can survive the assassins Merlin is sending after them and make it through to warn Random.
|