Gabrielle's Diary 32 (3/27/02)
What Price a Soul?
Nicola woke the gnawing beast inside my abdomen I'm sure that even had she not brought up the question, I'd have felt the teeth in me soon enough, but when she asked what else I might offer her side in return for Durant's life, as I was no longer Rufus' intended, the fangs snapped shut. She asked if I might be able to sway my mother. Replying that it was unlikely was both true and something to bond over -- and then Nicola asked, indirectly, if I would be willingn to kill Mama.
I -- Honestly, I don't know. I want to. I think. But... I can't even imagine a world without her, and I can't see myself as being that powerful. But I expressed a willingness to consider the idea.
But it was a long shot, and Durant's life was on the line. He knew we suspected that Merlin and Benedict were aiming at Amber's throne. I'd had him visit before I sought out my brothers -- the campaign was at a quiet moment and he really appreciated a warm bath and a warm meal. And I'd laid out everything we'd found for him. He said he'd keep his head down.
Keeping his head down wasn't going to be enough. Not with Benedict against him. I'd thought we had time -- that Merlin wouldn't act before the Chaosian sucession was determined. Durant admitted he had someplace to hide, and a way to contact Hero so that she could join him. He needed a trump from me, to give her a head start, but they could do it. He'd have to fake his death -- but he'd planned for that contingency long ago.
But I told him not to run yet. That he should wait on my word.
I am such an idiot.
Merlin is moving now; he has to, he has to assume that Darian and Corwin will make it. And Durant is waiting for my word.
I lay unsleeping in the bunk above Elayne, and "waiting for my word" repeats over and over in my head. Waiting for my word. He'll still be waiting when Merlin's assassin arrives. For my word. For my word that I can't get to him. And Merlin will kill him, I'm sure -- he can't afford to leave such a dangerous man alive on merely my promise to try and kill Fiona.
But... I do have something else Merlin wants. And Merlin doesn't even know how much he wants it yet.
It was Hero who had told me Vialle was pregnant. But it was Durant, in his visit, who told me how poorly the pregnancy was going -- and that Random had sent Vialle to a high-tech shadow with Llewella as her only guard to try to save the life of mother and child. And it was Durant who told me which shadow it was.
It would be unspeakably low. She's pregnant, sick, and utterly unable to defend herself. Llewella -- Llewella, I am sure, is competent in her own way. But a special ops team geared to counter her could stop her easily. They wouldn't have a chance if I told Merlin what I know. What Durant told me.
Neither of us bears any love for Vialle. I hold her to blame that Random never acknowledged Durant as his own. I watched, time after time, as soon as Durant made a friend, gained a foothold, found any stable place to stand, Vialle destroyed it.
Oh, she wasn't cruel to him. Not herself. That would have required admitting he existed and that his existance mattered to her.
She just made sure he was powerless -- would remain powerless -- in the vicious arena of politics that is Castle Amber. An arena with my brothers... darling cousin Hurst... and all the rest of the family. And the rest of the Court.
He doesn't actually hate her. He likes his sisters, and they like him, and he knows they love thier mother. But I hate her for him. For every scar on his soul, for every time I watched him smile and take it, choking on his own powerlessness -- I hate her.
Sometimes it's easier to hate for the sake of someone you love. I know there are people Durant hates for me that I don't hate...
But Durant doesn't hate her. And he doesn't want her dead. And I'm not sure that he would want me to pay this price for him. I don't think... I don't think he would.
But I wouldn't be paying the price for him. I wouldn't be doing it to make him happy. I would be doing it for me. Because I can't bear to lose him. No -- I could survive Durant's death, even now. What I couldn't survive was the knowledge that I could perhaps have saved him, and that I did not try.
I couldn't even hug him when we said goodbye. I couldn't bear his touch. Can I let him die if there is anything I could do to save him?
I can do something to try to protect him. It's vile. It's a profound betrayal that Random would never, ever forgive. It is treason.
But I couldn't bear his touch when we parted.
We have always stood together. He has always backed me as best he could, even when he didn't entirely agree with me. Powerless as we were, we were all each of us had. We were all that kept us sane, sometimes.
And I couldn't even touch him, couldn't even look in his eyes when we last parted.
I can't stand by and let him die.
I won't.
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